How to get an Affectionate Kitty

This is for all you people asking.

Haha just kidding, no one's been asking. But I do have a super-affectionate kitty, and I know people whose cats aren't so affectionate. I've always wondered why this is, so I got to thinking about it, and now I've made a set of super easy-to-follow instructions on how to get a kitty just as affectionate as mine!

Things you'll need:

• A kitty (male or female)
• Cat food and a place for the cat to do their business
• An animal shelter or friends willing to take on unwanted kittens
• Older siblings (3+, 4 recommended, males also recommended)
• 10+ years

Step 1
Get the kitty, male or female, when it is young. It's best if you're the kitty's first real owner, so it doesn't have time to become familiar with another human owner, and it's best, though not necessary, if this is the only cat in your house.

Step 2

Make sure to play with, brush, and be as affectionate as possible to your new kitty. Make sure your older siblings also affectionate, and that they're the ones feeding it. If at all possible, make sure your kitty spends its nights sleeping with your oldest sibling.

Step 3

As your kitty grows older, let other cats into your house as necessary. Offer to hold onto your friends cats when they need to move, adopt kittens from the shelter, etc. It also works if your cat is impregnated by a neighbor cat or stray, as you'll soon have lots of little kittens running around. When this happens, be sure to lavish affection on the younger cats, and leave your oldest sibling to care for the kitty you want to turn into an affectionate kitty.

Step 4

Systematically get rid of all the younger kittens as you realize you can't afford any of them. If you have to keep two or three cats, this is all right, but make sure to get your kitty fixed so there are no more surprises on the way. At this time it is crucial that your kitty becomes close to your oldest sibling. It may feel a bit scorned by you but there is plenty of time to make up for that!

Step 5

Have your oldest sibling move away for college or something. Lost, your goal kitty should find comfort in your next oldest sibling. Their relationship will grow for the next year or so until that sibling also moves away for college. During that time the other cats in the house who have been taken your attention may or may not disappear somehow (whether via tragic and unavoidable death or simply being donated to yet another cat-less friend).

Step 6

Continue step 5 on through your next siblings. By now your kitty should have grown much older, and mellowed out in personality. Start treating it just as affectionately as you did when it was a kitten. While it will have been nonchalant about your relationship earlier, the kitty will now be warming up to you.

Step 7

When your last sibling leaves for college, and your kitty has lost yet another bed to spend the night on, take the kitty with you when you go to bed and scratch its ears while you fall asleep. The kitty may not want to sleep with you that night, but it'll get the idea eventually. Make sure it now knows that you are feeding it, and establish some special spots; the one chair where it's allowed to jump into your lap, the sunny window where it will get it's brushings, etc.

My backpack: one of her
favorite sleeping spots

Step 8

Your kitty will now be extra affectionate! Make sure it sleeps with you and is allowed to jump into your lap or sit next to you as often as possible. If there's anything it doesn't seem to like (EX: accidentally stepping on its tail, holding it upside down like a baby, not letting it hide when there are actual babies around), try not to do those things. Conversely, if there are things it especially likes (a good brushing, scraps of meat from dinner, playing with a clump of feathers on a string), try to use these things as a reward whenever your kitty is especially cute.

And there you have it! A super affectionate kitty, who will jump into your lap whenever possible and distract you from writing essays, in just ten years worth of time and an undisclosed amount of your parents money!

WARNINGS:

• If your kitty dies before the process is complete, this WILL NOT WORK. Do your very best to keep your kitty alive as long as possible!
• All cats have different personality types. Some cats will be affectionate as they are younger and stay affectionate forever; for these cats, this process is unnecessary! Congratulations on adopting a naturally affectionate kitty!
• This process has not actually been tested on male cats. In fact, there is no guarantee that this'll actually work - this is what my cat just happened to go through, turning her into the affectionate furball she is today (You can read more about my cat Megabyte in this Tumblr post).